by Chris Taylor
“Chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Jack Frost nipping at your nose. That’s what Christmas is all
about… burnt nuts and frostbite!”
Not my words, but the words of Rikki Fulton’s iconic and not so festive character, the Reverend I. M. Jolly. And that comment right there sums up the two types of people you get around this time of year. You have your Christmas enthusiasts who’ve had their presents wrapped before Halloween and their tree up before they’d even ‘paid a penny for the guy’. And then you have the bah humbuggers, who see it as a personal insult if anyone even dares mention a mince pie before 24th December. But like it or not, before we know it, that Coca Cola truck will be passing through our TV screens every fifteen minutes, and we will be stressing as we think of twenty-five new ways to reposition that Elf on the shelf.
I love Christmas, especially the build-up. The hustle and bustle of the markets, the smell of Yorkshire pudding wraps wafting in the icy air. Drinking Bailey’s hot chocolate in my Christmas jumper. Families arguing over whose turn it is to have Granny that year. I’m here for it all!
We had my Gran for Christmas dinner last year, but I think this year we are having turkey.
My favourite part of Christmas has got to be the crackers. I mean, what’s not to love about a small explosive vessel containing a crown, toys, miniature tools and the worst jokes known to mankind? And I’d bet my life that most of us have a treasured photo of a loved one past or present, sat at the table wearing that wee paper crown. Christmas aint Christmas without crackers.
But let’s not forget the tree. I’m a sucker for a real one. I get why people can’t be bothered hoovering up all the needles, but for me you just can’t beat that real Christmas tree smell. I’ve bought mine already. When the man sold it to me, he asked, ‘are you going to put that tree up yourself?’. I responded with a scowl and said, ‘no I was going to put it in the living room’.
Even just writing this article has got me in the mood for snowbell fights and jingling my balls. I mean snowball fights and jingling my… you get the sentiment. Just talking about Christmas makes me happy, and let’s face it folks, we could all be using a wee glimmer of joy right now after the last few years we’ve all had. I for one will be savouring every moment with my family this year and I cannot wait to see the look on my beautiful girlfriend’s face when she sees what I’ve got her for Christmas this year. That reminds me, does anyone know where sells the cheapest hoovers? That was a joke before anyone starts with the hate mail. She got a hoover for her birthday.
So, whether you’re a premature celebrator or a bah humbugger, I wish you all the very best for Christmas and New Year when it comes.
Right, I’m away to buy a present for ma wee pal Rudolph. He’s wanting a Pony Sleigh Station (I can’t even blame the crackers for that one).
JERRY TAYLOR (@DADJOKEJERRY ON TIK TOK)
• What did one snowman say to the other? Can you smell carrots?
• How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents.
• Did you hear about the man who stole an advent calendar?He got 25 days.
• What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa? A rebel without a Clause.