Resolutions? Cannae be bothered!

Jerry Taylor

That’s another year gone, and another notch added to life’s bedpost. Happy New Year folks! I hope you all enjoyed the holiday period as much as I did. I overindulged on the grub as always so I’m back on the health kick this month. I’ve been mainly eating salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Actually just one big round crouton covered in tomato sauce. And cheese. Fine, it’s pizza. I’ve been eating pizza. I’ll start the fitness regime in February.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I always feel like a snow globe in January, a little shaken. The thought that the brunt of winter is about to hit, the bank statement from December will be dropping on the doormat, and dealing with the backlog at work. It’s some laugh, eh? And by the way, while I’m at it, I say we should move Christmas to January. The shops are always less crowded and everything is on sale! Just putting that out there.

But it’s a new year and as always that means a new us, right? We always love to put pressure on ourselves to change in January. Setting ourselves ridiculous New Year’s resolutions, and for what? Why do we feel the need to start every new year by telling ourselves that the way we lived the year before was wrong? It’s madness. So, I’m here to tell you people of Ayrshire and beyond, get those New Year’s resolutions scrapped and just enjoy the time you have ahead of you. If you want to get fat, then get tucked in. Cannae be bothered with the gym? Get a hot chocolate and lie on the couch with a box set. We never know what life is going to throw at us, so live in the moment and take one day at a time. And let’s face it, the only person who ever stuck to their New Year’s promise was Dr Frankenstein. His resolution was to make new friends. I’m a hypocrite, though, as I have made a resolution to read more. I’ve started putting the subtitles on the telly.

My two good friends haven’t had a great start to 2024. They were caught shoplifting a calendar. They got six months each.

Now, I wanted to write some more adult jokes in this edition but then I remembered it’s January so that means, there will be snowflakes everywhere. I could cheat and google some seasonal gags, but I currently don’t have any access to the winternet. We should celebrate January more to help deal with the holiday blues. If January threw a parade, would February march? No, but April may. I gave up my addiction to swimming pools this January. I’ve been dry for weeks now. A lot of people around the world will be doing dry January. I hear Australia do it well.

By the way, I’ve only recently found out that there are only 12 seconds in a year. The second of January, the second of February, the second of March… Okay, I’ll stop now.
Aw the best, Ayrshire.

Dad jokes of the day:
*I bought a dead budgie for my mum. It wasn’t going cheap.
*I saw a sheep in a swimsuit driving a car. I think it was a lamb bikini.
*What do you call a man in a pile of leaves? Russell.
*Who wrote the book, Nail in the bannister? R. Stornaway.
*I don’t like much about Switzerland, but I have to admit, their flag is a big plus.