The January Fails

Chris Taylor

Firstly, I hope you all had a cracking Christmas and New Year. If you’re anything like me, then you’ve gained a few pounds around the waist and lost a few pounds around the wallet.

Hogmanay is different for me these days. When I was younger, I used to beg to stay up late for the bells, but the older I get, the more I’m forced to stay up for the bells.

As always, my New Year’s resolution was broken by the third of January. I’m so bad at New Year’s resolutions, it just goes in one year then out the other. I promised myself I was going to take up running to stay fit, but I gave it up because the faster I ran the more the ice kept falling out of my drink.

It can be a tough time for a lot of us in January, though. The after Christmas blues, the miserable weather… and pay day seems like an eternity away. So yeah, I totally understand why some people need the distraction of a New Year’s resolution. But I’ll never understand all you cold therapy lunatics. This probably comes from jealousy as I would never have the balls to jump in the freezing cold sea on Boxing Day. And I definitely wouldn’t have them if I did!

I say I don’t understand why you do it, but I do have admiration for those who do. It takes real guts to get in that sea. Nothing to do with the temperature, it’s the thought of a jelly fish stinging ma fishing tackle before the New Year has even started that puts me off. Nah, not for me. The only Boxing Day dip I need is my sour cream and chive for my Doritos as I sit in my dressing gown and watch Disney movies with the family.

But it’s not long now before we go from celebrating the birth of one legend to another, as Burns Night is fast approaching! Myself and my girlfriend, Megan, are huge fans of Robert Burns. But in all honesty, we are more lovers of his life than his poetry. Of course, we love the poems that we know, however, we don’t claim to be experts on his prose. We visited his house and his grave site last year and we were both blown away by how much the visit impacted us emotionally. If you haven’t visited his house in Dumfries, we would highly recommend it. It’s worth it just to see the signature he carved into his study window using a diamond ring. If I did that, Megan would launch the ring out the window – with me still attached to it!

I love seeing everyone post pictures of their haggis, neeps and tatties online and videos of people addressing the haggis. My DNA forms into tiny cells of tartan on Burns Night. There’s a sense of pride knowing that a man not only from our country but also our county, is being celebrated across the globe.

I was going to make my own haggis this year, but I didn’t have the stomach for it. I should just get the missus to cook the Burns supper this year. I mean, it makes sense as she burns supper every other night.

Scotland has given us so many gifted writers (present company not included), but I doubt anyone will ever top the heights of oor Rabbie. So, whether you are swinging your kilts and tartan skirts at a Ceilidh or having a quiet dram at home, I wish you all the best for Burns Night.

Rabbie once wrote, “Dare to be honest and fear no labor”. Do you know what? I think I’ll use this as my new, New Year’s Resolution.

Until next time, Ayrshire.

Jerry Taylor

SCOTTISH DAD JOKES OF THE MONTH

  1. How many Scotsmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Och, it’s no that dark!
  2. Did you hear about the Scotsman who washed his kilt?
    He couldn’t do a fling with it!