CAPTAIN, I SALUTE YOU!

Johnny Ireland

“Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the flight. My name is Captain Starsky.”

I waited. Surely the first officer wasn’t called Hutch…?

Alas, it wasn’t to be, but for those of us in the cabin of an age to remember the 70’s American detectives (and their fabulous red sports car), it provided a humorous start to our short flight to London City.

London City Airport, or LCY as it’s abbreviated, is, in my opinion, one of the finest designed airports in the world. It defies logic the way it’s tucked away in the sprawling dockland area, surrounded by skyscrapers. It opened in 1987 when the docklands were truly docklands, although, noise has always driven local residents crazy. Anyone on or near an airport flight path can sympathise.

Despite the high number of passengers using the airport each year (it peaked at over 5 million in 2019), it only has one runway. And unlike most other airports where the average descent approach is around three degrees, at LYC it’s 5.5! As a result, only certain aircraft (and pilots) are permitted to fly in and out of this airport.

I love flying, so I find this fascinating. LYC may not be the most dangerous airport as far as landings are concerned (I think that honour goes to Lukla Airport in Nepal) but even so, it sure makes you think.

During his working life, my father would often regale me with tales of Concord. He worked for Dunlop Aviation, helping to make a very tiny part that assisted Concord’s braking system (as well as that of other aircraft). He used to tell me, and I totally believed him, that without the part he made, the plane would not stop on landing. The first time I landed at London City, I sent a silent prayer of thanks to my father.

I’ve been fortunate in both my work and personal life to have flown to some beautiful parts of the world, including various countries in the Middle East. Flying into Kuwait was always a treat. BA pilots would often circle the iconic Kuwait Towers as they come into land.

Given the strong relationship between the UK and Kuwait, primarily because of our support during the Gulf War in the early 90s, it came as no surprise to me that traffic does actually stop to watch the British Airways plane pass the towers. I used to salute the daily flight from London as I drove to work along Arabian Gulf Road during my time in the Arab state.

Once, as a passenger on that early morning BA flight, I felt an enormous amount of pride as the captain said: “Ten minutes to landing. You may wish to look out of the left-hand window to see the iconic Kuwait Towers,” before tipping his wing. That was special.

It never ceases to amaze me how these extraordinary feats of machinery manage to take off and stay in the air. Landing is always a joy (and let’s face it, a relief), particularly in America where the respect afforded to the pilot on landing is demonstrated by a huge round of applause.

I once sat next to an eccentric guy from New York who, whilst flying from Newark to Miami tried to convince me that good landings were called ‘coffee cup’ landings. In training, the pilot would rest a cup of coffee in the cockpit with the aim of spilling nothing on landing. Since then, I can’t help but give a ‘coffee cup’ landing an award out of ten. Trust me, there have been times when there was no coffee left in the cup and subsequently no applause!

I am not a nervous flyer. However, I understand the fear that some people have of flying. Tablets. Therapy sessions. Even hypnosis. It may be that they’ve never flown before or perhaps had a previous bad experience. Or maybe it’s the type of aircraft. I recall a small plane with propellers that sure tested my nerves one winter! It was called a Fokker. Dutch. Solid. Dependable. We boarded at Dublin where the ground crew, prior to takeoff, treated the propellers with the biggest can of de-icing fluid I’d ever seen! Taxi and takeoff were smooth, but somewhere over the Irish Sea I noticed one of the propellers had started to slow. I asked a member of the crew if I should be worried.

“It’s de-icing,” she laughed. “It’s only when it stops completely that you need to be worried.”

I’ve always loved the Irish humour… but I’m still not sure if she was joking.

Many years later I was on board another Fokker, heading to a conference in Belfast. I was seated beside a lady who was very nervous.

“I don’t like propellers,” she said.

“Never worry,” I assured her, before repeating the words the flight attendant had said to me.

My attempt at humour backfired. The colour drained from her face, she started to sweat and asked for a sick bag. It taught me to be respectful of just how stressful flying can be for other people. Thankfully, I’ve never experienced anything remotely stressful while flying. I suppose that’s why I love it so much.

Not long ago, whilst representing a local charity at the Flower Show in Ayr, I was approached by a smashing looking guy. He looked of a similar age to me, with smart white jeans, trainers and T-shirt. He looked like a rock star. As we chatted about his interest in the charity, he passed me his business card. I had to look twice. A British Airways Captain? Wow!

“Where’s the best place you’ve ever flown to?” I asked.

“Flying into Kuwait… passing the iconic Kuwait Towers.”

It’s true what they say. It is indeed a small world.

I told him about my father and the part he made that was vital to the braking system.
“Very important man, your father,” came the reply, assuring me, after all these years, that my dad was telling the truth.

I then asked him about the Fokker and the propellers slowing down for de-icing.
“I’m not too sure that’s actually true,” he said.

I gulped.

“What about the ‘coffee cup’ landing. Is that true?”

“Possibly, but British Airways pilots can land planes with the coffee cup on their heads!”

I saluted his comment.

And clapped loudly!