SIZE MATTERS!

Johnny Ireland

What an absolute bargain! £39.95 for a return flight from Edinburgh to Paris. Happy days!
You can’t beat booking flights online, can you? It’s so easy, and in this case, so cheap.

But then the fun begins…

I won’t mention any names, but I’m sure you’re all familiar with this particular airline.

The website asked if I’d be taking a bag. I would be away for four days, so this seemed like a good idea. Would I like to take my bag on the plane with me? If so, would I like to place it under the seat (free of charge) or in the overhead compartment (additional cost)? The third option was to check-in my suitcase to place it in the hold which would cost more than the price of another passenger.

So, I now had three options, six actually as I was travelling with my wife. We both needed a bag. Or did we? Having once shared a suitcase for a trip to New York which was ‘lost’ at JFK Airport, we now tend to err on the side of caution when it comes to baggage. Do we share one big one and take one small bag for the cabin? It was a tough call… and potentially expensive.

By this point, I was considering flying naked and affording my wife a small bag under the seat at no cost. Common sense prevailed and I decided to go for the under-seat baggage option for the two of us. Easy, right? Wrong. Each bag needs to be a very specific size. Too big and we’d be charged additional fees at the gate when boarding the plane.

The website states: ENSURE YOU CHOOSE THE CORRECT OPTION AT THIS STAGE. THE MEASUREMENTS OF THE BAG MUST INCLUDE THE WHEELS.

Out came the trusty tape measure. My wife’s bag made the grade. She was on – free of charge. Me? Forget it. I was two inches out on height. So what to do? An additional £49 just to take a couple of pairs of boxer shorts and some clean socks? Johnny Ireland was not to be beaten. This was a competition and there was no way he was going to lose.

Securing the flight tickets and a free bag for both myself and Mrs Ireland, yours truly decided he’d head off to his local TK Maxx (other retailers are available) who always had a great selection of cabin-friendly suitcases. And they didn’t disappoint. A myriad of shapes, sizes and colours adorned its cabin-friendly display. One in particular caught my eye at £19.95. It was blue, with a picture of a cartoon shark on the front. I opened it up and to my delight found it came with two mini backpacks and a sandwich box, all bearing the same shark motif. I was hooked! I was also unsure whether the contents inside were free or whether some scallywag had tried their luck by filling the case with other goods in the hope they could conceal the products and only purchase the case!

I enquired at the till point whether the goods within the suitcase were indeed included. “Yes, they are,” was the reply. “The brand is for school children, hence the cartoon shark. He’s called ‘Sharky’ and the price includes the little backpacks and the lunchbox.”

Well, I could hardly contain my excitement! Not only had I secured a fantastic little suitcase at £19.95, I also figured I could sell the other items on Ebay (other online markets are available). The assistant asked if I would like a bag for my new acquisition. “Absolutely not,” I said, as I wheeled Sharky out of the shop and up the High Street back to my car.

Looking back, I recall many admiring glances at the middle-aged man pulling a Sharky cabin bag along the High Street. I didn’t care – I had beaten the airline!

Or so I thought…

Still with Sharky by my side, I called in at my favourite coffee shop. With only a week to go, it was time to check-in on-line.

Do you require insurance? NO.
Do you require a hire car? NO.
Do you require a hotel? NO.
Do you require an airport transfer? NO.
Would you like to order in-flight drinks and meals? NO.
Would you like speedy boarding? NO.

Would you like to accept all the above offers at a discount of 25% for today only? NO. NO. NO!
This was followed by the chance to reconsider my luggage selection. I looked at Sharky. He looked back. I’m pretty sure he winked. My mouse hovered over the ‘YES’ button, but I hit ‘NO’. I was still £30 up and had yet to sell the backpacks and sandwich box.

It took Mrs Ireland a good five minutes to stop laughing when I eventually arrived home with Sharky. Showing her the additional items which came as part of the deal I presumed she’d be impressed by my frugalness.

“Give them to the charity shop,” was her response.

“These are fantastic!” said the lady in the shop the next day. “My six-year-old son has the same backpacks. He’s got the little suitcase as well.”

So I’m a few decades older, what of it?

The following week, Sharky is all packed and ready to go.
“You’re not seriously taking that bag, are you?” asked Mrs Ireland.

“I most certainly am,” I replied, still feeling rather smug. And off we set to Edinburgh Airport.
Pulling Sharky through the check-in area (my wife deliberately walking a few paces behind) and into the bar for a pre-flight beverage, I couldn’t help but notice the admiring glances from other travellers… until a ten-strong stag party spotted Sharky. They were less admiring and more… well, let’s just say they found it amusing.

I didn’t care. I was £30 up against the airline. I was on the homeward stretch.

Arriving at the gate I took my normal position at the back of the queue – why do people rush to get on a plane? And there he was. Detective Chief Inspector Baggage Allowance. He stared at me from afar. I stared back. He stared at Sharky. Sharky stared back. As the queue whittled itself slowly down to just the two of us, DCI Baggage Allowance approached.

“Your bag looks too big; you’re going to have to put it in the sizing box. If it’s too big you need to pay an excess of £47.”

I slotted Sharky into the box. It was a perfect fit, wheels and all. I was applauded by travellers at an adjacent gate – no doubt they’d been in a similar position themselves. DCI Baggage Allowance grunted as I headed off to the plane.

As I eased myself into my seat and went to place Sharky under the seat in front of me, as per airline policy, a member of the cabin crew team stopped me. “No, sir, we can’t possibly have Sharky on the floor, let me put him in the overhead locker for you. If you just let your child know where it is.”

Final score: Johnny Ireland & Sharky 1 – 0 Airline