BOOK REVIEW

Life is a Locker Room by Gordon Inglis

Nigel Ward

Are you The Silent Assassin of the team like Rodrigo, or The Grafter like Chico? On the other hand, if you managed this assortment of eccentrics, would you be The Shouter, perpetually on the edge of a cardiac arrest, or The Dreamer who can “turn that rainy Tuesday in Stoke into a sermon about hardiness?”

In Life is a Locker Room, Gordon Inglis scratches the surface of sporting teammates and work colleagues, coaches and managers, to help us decide.

From encounters with a variety of characters gracing Ayrshire football pitches, he explores their contributions and achievements, their annoying habits and why they do, or don’t, rub along.

Gordon has represented a string of clubs, from Auchinleck to Annbank and Dirrans to Troon. And yet, even with coaching badges to sew on his tracksuit, he self-deprecatingly describes himself as a “failed footballer.” Now successful in the business, he’s drawn his two worlds together, making this more than a book about football.

The sport has spawned shelves of biographies and autobiographies of the great and the good. Many claim to shed a light on styles that lead to success. Some could be thinly veiled attempts at being management textbooks. However, our prurient curiosity about stars and celebrities obstructs the message. Instead, we want to read salacious stories and gawp at their lifestyle.

Few get up-close-and-personal to everyday players and managers like Gordon. The appeal of Life is a Locker Room is the cast of characters we fleetingly meet, from football at its grittiest, cloaked by the anonymity of relative obscurity.

Punchy chapters, each just two or three pages long, move Gordon’s observations and analysis forward at the pace of a Somerset Park winger. His chatty style and one-liners concisely hit home like Shankland once did for Ayr United, swiftly capturing and conveying each individual. With humour nestling in honest and occasionally forthright language, he quickly draws parallels between the dressing room and the boardroom.

Who was “cruelly nicknamed Jigsaw,” because he “falls to pieces in the box?” Who is “priceless and undervalued,” despite appearing “unserious, carefree, maybe even lazy?”

Dismissive of none, Gordon describes the value of everyone to the team or business. He appreciates the range of contributions each player or manager makes, without slipping into management-speak or jargon. As a bonus, he tosses a nugget of advice on how to manage each.

Enjoy delving into the Locker Room to discover who should be allowed to, “dream, but just make sure someone’s holding the map?” Learn who should be reminded that “perfection is the enemy of progress.”

Many people will have been through the team management wringer, done the courses, read the textbooks and even suffered psychometric testing. Yet, can you remember your Myers Briggs personality type, or if you were a Belbin resource investigator or completer finisher? Those books can stay on the shelf. It’s more fun drawing parallels with the characters Gordon has brought to life.

While Life is a Locker Room primarily links football with business, the vignettes easily prompt glimpses into other areas of life. Who is The Nearly One in your rambling club? Does The Tactician sit on your charity’s committee? There’ll undoubtedly be a Shouter in your book group. However, be careful, you might find yourself.

Gordon Inglis has been attached to a host of football clubs, got his coaching badges, then successfully moved into the commercial world. Now he can add “author” to his achievements; far from being merely a “failed footballer.”