The Psychology of People Pleasing
Catherine Lawson
Every so often I find myself thinking that I don’t care what anyone else thinks: I’ll do my thing my way, emboldened by my mid-life joie de vivre. I’m not alone in this assertion either. It’s something I hear many of my peers saying and it’s something which the younger generations also claim as they deliberate over the best filter to use on the 42nd take of the selfie they’re about to post on their socials. Who are we kidding?
I was recently asked what one piece of advice I would give my younger self if I had the chance. There were many pieces of advice that came to mind: ‘make good choices,’ ‘listen to your intuition’ and ‘your parents were right.’ The advice that I chose to share, however, was ‘stop people pleasing.’ Why? Because what I’ve come to realise through the years is that people pleasing, to excess, is how we lose ourselves.
There’s a sound psychological reason why we’re inclined towards this potentially toxic trait. We know, at a hard-wired level, that our survival depends on our place in the tribe. If we’re accepted by the tribe, we’re in and we’re safe. If we aren’t accepted, we risk abandonment, isolation and being eaten by a sabre-toothed tiger. It’s 100% natural for us all to seek, and hold on to, the place where we fit in: we need people around us to survive and our connections are vital for our wellbeing. This hard-wired need is at the root of people pleasing.
The problems arise when people pleasing is taken to excess so that instead of enjoying healthy independence and meaningful relationships with others, we place a disproportionate value on how we’re perceived by others, constantly needing their approval and validation. It’s a sign that we don’t feel safe in the world, and it can often be a symptom of underlying trauma, fear of abandonment and low self-esteem amongst others. Very often people pleasers are the empaths in the world. They’re the people who want to keep the peace and make sure everyone else is happy, even if they aren’t themselves. Being kind, caring, generous and agreeable are all good things but when they’re taken to extremes and we consistently put the needs of others before our own, we lose, and sacrifice, ourselves.
So how do we keep it in check? If we find ourselves veering towards the unhealthy side of people pleasing, it’s often a sign that some introspection is needed to figure out the underlying reasons. Figuring it out can be a long-term project, and a very worthwhile one for our wellbeing, but we also need to take more immediate action to break those patterns: it’s in the combination of action and introspection (possibly guided by a professional) that we can start to make sustainable changes to reclaim a better balance of personal independence and healthy relationships. Here are some immediate actions you can take to help you with that balance:
Try saying no to something you don’t want to do instead of always saying yes. Start small and have the script in your head: ‘I’m afraid I can’t help on this occasion,’ ‘I’d love to but I’ve got plans that day,’ etc. Having the script ready stops you getting flustered.
Prioritise your own self-care: diet, sleep and exercise. It shows the people around you that you’re focused on your own needs too, and that’s empowering.
Practice positive self-talk by ending each day reflecting on three things you did well that didn’t involve pleasing others (‘I got my steps in today and I’m proud of myself for that,’ ‘I took care of myself by drinking enough water today’, ‘I said no when I was asked to stay late at work again because I’m getting better at setting boundaries.’)
Take the time to reflect on your own values and how the choices you make align with them – when you do things that align with your values it helps you foster authenticity.
